My views on marriage based on Finances.

Relationships aren’t something you can necessarily get better outcomes at when you work harder. It’s true, but there is a choice to try. Much as many people tend to over look it( before they crash), Finances play a vital role in the success and downfall of a marriage.

I’m not married, but because i have finished school, many people expect me to be talking about the marriage subject already. Every weekend, someone i know gets married, and I’m very happy for them, i congratulate them, send monetary contributions to their events, but I am not ready to get married. Not yet!. I’ve been told it’s because i haven’t met someone who has made me feel ready. I can’t say i disagree, but i can’t agree completely because I have turned down a marriage invitation before. More than once because i wasn’t ready.

A lot has been said and written about marriages. Why they fail, why they succeed , and every day many people go on to google about ways to make a marriage work. They go out of their way and capability to try to make it work. Of course we also talk about reasons marriages don’t work out and we talk about things like infidelity, finances, religion, social factors, family expectations, in-laws, respect e.t.c. But once again. I will mention that relationships aren’t something you necessarily get better results at by working hard. In my opinion, it’s about certain natural facts that we have failed to deal with as individuals. We may know the reality, but we fail to embrace it. I’ll explain below.

Largely women will want to get married to someone they are comfortable with financially. I call it financial protection. Globally, women are known to like money or prefer to be with partners who have quite some money, regardless of what the woman makes. Here’s my understanding of why. Many women prefer to get married to older men because the assumption is that these men have done well for themselves financially over the last 6 or so years and there’s safety in not having to worry about the next meal or rent or tuition for the kids. If you observe closely, most women who marry men younger than them either are very rich and way older, and in this case playing the Sugar mummy card, or the younger man is wealthy and has earned/ leveled up the age difference that way.

Men on the other hand prefer to marry women much younger than them. This considerable age difference of 6 or so years serves them favorably financially and in terms of respect they hope to attain from their wives. Many mothers today fight with their sons in their late 20s asking them about when they will be bringing a wife home. I can assure these mothers that they are likely to ask this question for some more years. It’s only natural that they may not financially feel ready to attain some things and be in position to provide favorably for their families. Yes they will date someone or two or even three at the same time and get excited until they actually forget they have to marry and settle down. If they get comfortable, it’s disaster. If they get one of the girls pregnant, it could play a factor in why they would settle unexpectedly. Then sometimes reality hits right between 32 and 36 and they start the chase ( read hunt). Suddenly they feel like they want to get married that day. They get so unsettled, put a timeline to it, and stress the closest girl as much as possible……………..you know how it ends.

In my unbiased opinion, marrying someone within your age bracket, someone you studied with, someone you grew up with, would make the most successful marriage. Because usually, the goals will be same, and you will naturally pace each other and encourage each other to grow, have kids at a timing that doesn’t feel like a marathon, grow your career, further academia, start businesses together and it’s beautiful when you see these people 15 or so years later. Most of the couples i admire today rhyme with most of the things mentioned above. The biggest challenge with this kind of marriage is that it needs a converted soul, a determined soul and someone who means their I do. If one of them wakes up feeling more accomplished than the other, it’s disaster. If the woman’s career suddenly grows faster than the male’s and suddenly she’s bringing in more money, alot is bound to happen. Either she will see him as being less of a a man and lose common respect for him, or he will by his own-self feel less of a man and feel like his ego is being challenged. Now, for as long as this imbalance strikes, the marriage will never work. It won’t work. On the other hand if the man gets this drastic growth in career and finances, the family is much likely to prosper. It’s hard truth, and that is why you don’t see many people marrying age mates especially when they are still young and in their mid twenties. On the other hand, age mates could get married at 35 and it will prosper. I don’t know if it’s due to maturity? or because they are desperate – like we like to call it.

On the flip side, Older men will come with financial protection and financial security, but will notice that many have pollinated along their years to you, and so some will come with a whole package. It’s work to incorporate the whole package, but it’s possible. My biggest issue with this kind of marriage is getting ‘trapped’. Young 24 years old girl fresh from campus, this 33 year old interests you because you’re quite a catch. I know many girls who got married this way and their lives literally stopped. Suddenly she’s stopped from working, she’s stopped from furthering her education, and now constrained to being a house wife and pushing babies. Honestly this is a bubble i never want to find around myself because i worry i could burst along with it. Of course there are good and considerate men who will support you all the way with kids and school and everything, but you will also land one one who asks you to stay home and promises to pay you a salary equivalent to your level of expertise so you can be a house wife.

Of course there are many successful couples that don’t define all the above i stated. But all i can say is that with marriage and relationships, it’s a gamble. we get lucky. some may want to try it with the one foot phenomenon and only decide to step in with both feet when things look good. But we all know it could take a wrong turn regardless. It could also turn out to be a bed of roses all through for the next 80 years. It’s a gamble. I call it a gamble because many factors are dependent on the other person and you will never predict how their hormones and psychology will reason out things or accept you for your success and short comings.

My father likes to says the marriages of my generation are hard and unpredictable. He goes ahead to say that regardless of all the uncertainty, we need to try it at some point because it will help us grow and think different. And if we are lucky, we will find a good partner. This is me agreeing with him that it’s a gamble worth taking part in. I will gamble, that’s for sure. But not today.

Once again, Relationships aren’t something you can necessarily get better outcomes at when you work harder. So, Happy Gambling folks!